Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Have I been a bad leader? Am I a bad leader?
Have I put myself on the pedestal?
What are your thoughts, your feelings?
Your problems and needs?

Why do I feel this barrier between us?
Why do I feel a disapproving silence?
Have I made the wrong decisions?
Do I seem to not care for you and your actions?

It pains me to see your half-heartedness
Your lack of zeal and direction
It is not me nor the responsibility you serve
But your God and His people whom you love

Where has your love gone?
I can see it no more
Or has my eyes lost its sight
I'm starting to lose the fight

Assure me, oh God
For I am but human
Break down these unfriendly walls
And grant me the capacity to love Your people more

Labels: prayer

Was reading a book recently and came across this excerpt:

"Teach us, Good Lord, to serve Thee as Thou deservest; to give and not to count the cost; to fight and not heed the wounds; to toil and not to seek for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do Thy will. Through Jesus Christ our Lord."
-prayer by Saint Ignatius of Loyola-

I think it is an awesome prayer as if you are serving, it is super duper extremely hard to be like that. I know that well as I seeked rest recently from serving and neglected my ministry and I know that it was not a God-given rest. Thus, this shall be my prayer in a while. =)

What does not kill me only serves to make me stronger.

I'm sorry pal but I'm not giving up on the Lord's battle and I'm definitely not giving up on the things and people whom I hold dear.

Many thanks to the people who were there for me and woke me up from my slumber.

Labels: resolution

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the heart that longs for You Lord
A heart which is hurting and crying out for that simple unconditional love
A heart which longs for a place to belong in this cold world
A heart which is broken and yearns for the warmth of a hug
An eternal comfort and shelter which only You can provide
A heart that is wounded and yet still searching and seeking You.

Grant this heart healing Lord
Heal the wounds which are unseen by all yet naked in the eyes of You
Pour out Your love upon this Your precious child
The unconditional and everlasting love that was never shown
Provide what this heart yearns for, O Faithful Provider
The comfort and peace which no one could bring upon this broken heart

We seek Your Wisdom Lord
For Thy Will to be done
To provide a way when there seems to be no way
To bring a renewal in the life of this Your child
A change which only You can make
Grant us Lord an open and humble heart to fathom Your wisdom and Your will
May You bring about a change

All this I pray in Your precious Name O Lord
Amen.

Labels: prayer

It suddenly dawned upon me today that my parents are getting old, I guess a part of me retains the image of my parents during my childhood days. With the exception of the ever increasing white hair, it seemed to me that my parents are no different in terms of age from how they were like perhaps 10 years ago. We sometimes blame our parents for controlling us despite our age and seeing us as if we were still teenagers or children, I guess for my case I'm also guilty of seeing them as if they were alot younger. I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, its just that I naturally assume that they are as capable of doing stuff as they used to and neglect the fact that they do sometimes need assistance as well.

I guess this started on Tuesday when my dad had his head knocked by the bamboo stick, he didn't tell me anything when I asked if he was alright and spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch, it was only when he told my sister that evening that I realised that he was hurt. It was like WHAT THE H***! I was with him the entire day and I didn't realise it. Man... It hurts right to the core when I think of it. I was conversing with him again today, perhaps it was the light rays or something but it seemed as though he has aged alot, the fine lines and wrinkles on his face, it pains me to see them. Till now I am afraid that the bump has side effects on my dad's head, I just realise that I love him more than I showed and I really don't wanna lose him, not yet, not now. I know that he is saved and he really loves God by his service in church, but I have yet to show my love and care for him and it scares me to think about it.

I know that I have poured out alot of effort into my ministry, fellowship and wasted my time on useless stuff. Perhaps I should start placing more focus on family ties which I have neglected for sometime.

May the good Lord guide me and bless my parents.

(my dad's bdae is coming soon...)

Respect. Is respect earned or issit a right? I tend to think that respect is something that is earned and in any case should be freely given and not forced upon. One of the ministries that I am in is currently having this problem. As leaders, shouldn't we have the right to respect? Or re we supposed to earn it? But it has been quite some time, why does it seem that we are losing respect from them instead of gaining it?

I suppose respect comes in many forms, some subtle and some rather obvious actions by the one giving the respect. In any case, this issue does not really bother me as long as it does not get out of hand.

But as we went through the lesson on submission (Eph 6:1-9), someone from another group asked why should we respect leaders when its not mentioned in the bible. I'm glad Megan remembered this passage: Hebrews 13:17. Someone mentioned this at YMLC but most apparently I forgot. Anyway...

"Obey your leaders and submit to the authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you." ~Hebrew 13:17. NIV~

As both a follower and a leader, this struck me as very true. Through the years I have seen leaders being discouraged because of those they lead, may it be the issue of respect or the fact that there had been no changes even after much effort was made to induce a change. It is scary because I have seen how they have changed and become discouraged, and how they, in a way, dropped us like hot potatoes because of the intense frustrations and pain we have given them. Somehow, it is always when we lose something then we feel the impact, I often wondered what happened to them and it saddens me to sometimes think that I have in a way been 'abandoned'. Hence, it is only then that I understood what it meant by ' that would be of no advantage to you'.

As a leader now, I better understand what it means to when the bible says "They keep watch over you as men who must give an account". As a follower, I could not understand this, but now as a leader, as I see how our spiritual growth and our involvement would affect our students. And it is very true that we have to give an account to God next time, even though its in the future, I feel it now, and that's why so many of us leaders are afraid to lead and teach bible lessons as we are afraid to lead our students astray. It is really not easy as we are all still learning and most of us aren't that great with our bible knowledge.

At the end of the day, I guess respect can't be imposed and if you are a follower, I really hope that you would treasure your leaders as no one knows what would happen to them as the years goes by, do not live in the pain and regret that I sometimes do when I think about the leaders who impacted my life. And if you are a leader, presevere on, as we were able to better appreciate our leaders now, so will they. In any case, we still have God! Who better understands our pain besides Jesus who was rejected by His chosen people and by those He came to save.

Unknownst to many, I have actually been fasting once in a while after reading the book, Lord, I Want to be Whole by Stormie Omartian. Its about emotional healing though currently I am not in need of any, but the book does speak to me at certain aspects such as seeking delieverance through fasting. Back to fasting, I really see God working alot more clearly when I actually fast. Somehow, my head is more clear and in tune to doing God's work the way He wants it and I just wanna write it down before my heart forgets.

Have been praying for the problems that I see in the ministries and people I care about. Though the problems are still there, I have been blessed to see God working. Things that I have never expected to happen happened, the time period changes occured is astonishing. "In tithes and offerings. 9 You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. 10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Malachi 3:8-10) In context, it refers to our tithes and offerings, but I think our tithes and offerings are not limited to the financial aspect but also all aspects of our lives including time and resources. It gladens my heart to see the blessings that He has poured out.

I dunno how long this spiritual high will last but pray it would be longer than the previous times for I fear the lows.

In any case, the book is a good book, for it applies to those who need healing and those who do not, strongly recommend it.

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lify my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans
You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

-I Sing, Don Moen-



Just feel like sharing this. I think some of the Christian friends I know feel that God seems so far away and we have lost our sense of purposes in Him. Just hope that this song would administer, encourage and remind us that He has and would never forsake us.

I think it is always important to have a balance of Christian friends and non-Christian friends. Most of the time we think that spiritual support and encouragement comes from Christian friends and Christian influences, little did I know that a simple statement from a free thinker can make me feel that talking and walking the (Christian) walk can be so worthwhile:

On the 3rd week of my attachment, I was having this conversation with another intern during tea break. Somehow along the way, I just commented that it was hard for me to find potential boyfriends in my course as the faculty was big and I didn't really keep in touch with the friends I make during the semester. Upon hearing this, she suddenly asked me "What about your church?". I was kinda shocked as I have never mentioned anything about my religion or wear any cross or whatever, so I asked her how did she know that I was a Christian. And her replied was something like somehow Christians are nicer, holy people are just nicer than unholy people. This came out of a person who is a free thinker! I was amazed at how this can come out of someone who did not know God personally. It really encouraged me to continue pushing myself towards Christ-likeness. As though I'm not good at sharing the gospel, by living out my life the way Christ would, I can also make an impact on non Christians.

Praise the Lord for giving me encouragement from a person whom I least expected encouragement to come from!

Knowing what will happen and being in the situation itself never fails to unnerve me. I know that it was coming. I know that I can't avoid it. I am praying about it, praying that it would be over soon. I know that He will be there. I know that I can tide through it with His help. I know... but I still can't handle it when it comes.

Is there something to be learnt? Did I go wrong somewhere somehow? Why do I always feel this way? Why is there a barrier between Him and I? What should I do? What have I done? Where should I go from here? Should I struggle to find Him or not? Where have You gone?

I think I am lost once again, that feeling of not knowing where to go, what to do. That feeling which I had overcome the other time is back. How did I handle it the first time round? Issit something I thought I had settled but did not? I have forgotten what needs to be remembered, the heart knowledge that I had told myself never to forget. The fear which keeps me alive is fading, should there even be this fear in the first place?

Busy, busy, busy. Busy and yet not. Not doing what I should be doing and doing what I should be not. Busy doing the redundant and procrastinating on that which is not. Knowing the consequences of the continuation of this sort of life, yet not acting upon it. Should I seek the fear? Would it bring me back to the life I should lead?

Questions, never ending questions.

Lord, grant me Your strength and show me Your ways
I cry out to Thee

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God how gives
and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter there I am
Every teat I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbles in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

-Casting Crowns, Lifesong, Praise You in the Storm-

Its hurting so bad
A new wound etched into the heart
Swift and sudden it came
A blow before New Year's Day

The heart is crying loudly
Yet its silent on the lips
Tears trapped
The longing to let it all out

Wishing that someone would hear the cry
Someone to tell me how
A shoulder to lean on at this hour
Before the mind breaks down

Is this the pain that Jesus felt?
When we His children let Him down?

I no longer know what to do
The mind and heart is torn
Lord, come heal me
For my heart is worn

Help me through this once again
Show me Your way
My Lord

I guess I haven't explain my choice of blog add in any of my previous entries. Re-koi... it can be seen as re:koi which basically means a blog regarding my life and my thoughts. Another interpretation of it would be its pronounciation: "rekoi", "recoil".

Recoiling during setbacks is something that I hold strongly to. Its something that I want to be. To be resilient in the setbacks in life and to see the other side of the coin during the periods of lows and highs. I suppose that was what I wanted to become then, even now.

Rather tired today from helping out at the production line. I was nearly covered with bags, but the satisfaction comes from actually bonding with the people you help out with. Its going to be a long day again tomorrow...

I was chatting with one of my friends sometime back on the topic of sins. Somehow, we brought up the issue of how people before Christ's time had their sins forgiven since forgiveness through the sacrifices of animals in the Old testament was not a permanent solution to the sin problem. So the problem was did the people in the Old testament get eternal life since their sins were not washed clean by the blood of the Lamb? Was God seemingly unjust since there seemed to be no clear avenue to which the people then could obtain eternal life? Was God lying or is it false that He loves all His children since in the past they did not have Jesus?

I was doing Romans 3:21-31 today and came upon this verse: "... He did this to demonstrate his justice at the present time, because in his forebearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished -- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus." (Romans 3:25-26, NIV)

The first part I highlighted basically tackles the issue of what happened to the people in the past in the Old Testament. From the verse, I think it says that God will not punish people for the sins they committed in the past because they did not have Christ. I read the New Bible Commentary and it says that "the men's sins were temporaily overlooked". So what I gather from this is that God will not punish them for their sins because they did not know they sinned, and even if they did, the blood of the animals sacrificed in the past was only a temporal solution. Hence, in His righteosness and justice, He overlooks the sins of the men in the past.

The implications of the above would be that their sins were only overlooked but not erased, so how are they able to obtain eternal life? This then leads us to the second part of the highlighted verse: "one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus". I think what the verse means is that as long as we believe that there is a Messiah who would save us from our sins, we would be saved, similar to how we are saved presently. Since in the Old Testament, the coming of the Messiah was already prophesized, the way to eternal life then was the belief that the Messiah was coming. I quote from the NIV life application bible: "Paul shows that God forgave all humans sin at the cross of Jesus. Old Testament believers looked forward in faith to Christ's coming and were saved, even though they did not know Jesus's name or the details of his earthly life." Though it is only a commentary, I think it makes sense, if we are saved by faith since we do not see Jesus, they too can be saved by believeing that the Messiah would come.

Paul also backs up his claims on the next chapter of Romans with "Abraham justified by faith". There are also instances in the bible where people in the Old Testamen appeared such as in Mark 9:1-4. If all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and Jesus was then still alive, how was is possible that Moses and Elijah could have appeared in the transfiguration unless they have been saved and are spending their eternal life with God?

Are man born with a destructive streak? Is that why dynomites, which were meant to safeguard the lives of the miners in the past, were used as weapons of war in countries? Is that why we are continuing to destroy the environment even though we know that it would arise in complications such as global warming?

I think among the many living beings that walk the earth, we humans are the ones who have been destroying the planet since the dawn of time. We have been the ones to break the food cycles of living beings by first domesticating poultry for greater food supplies. We then drove animals and plant species to extinction or even to the brink of extinction through excessive poaching and clearing of land. Animals like the dodo bird once were but are now mere myth, done by the hands of us humans.

Industrialisation may have been the top on the list on the degree of harm that we humans have done to the planet. Overproduction without accessing or controlling the external cost of pollution such as waste matter and smog has eventually resulted in global warming as well as the rise in other health and environment related problems in the early age of industrialisation. Even with laws and regulations implemented in various countries in recent years, the damage done to the earth cannot be easily mended. Though I admit that this has indeed reduced the damage, we continue to pollute our environment, especially with the rise in the number of enviromental organisations, but many are still continuing the old ways for survival like the farmers who continue to clear land by burning in more rural areas.

I think at the end of the day, this all stems to the problem about humans being self-centred. We domesticate and industralise to survive, eat more, earn more money. At the end of the day, it is still about me, how can producing more benefit me? Living standards, status, luxury, good food. Unless we donate it all the charity (not including charity drives which sponsor prizes), or we pause to think about how this affects others, its all about me at the end of the day. Admittedly some may argue that they were ignorant of the side effects with the technology given at that time, but some problems that have been existent then still exists now even with the knowledge. So how does that stand hold?

I was reading Habakkuk today, the first few chapters and I was reminded that destruction has been abound since the beginning of man. (Cain killed Abel all the way in Genesis) It is true that we are suffering the aftereffects of the damage done to the environment in the past. The weather is changing all over the world, places which should not snow are snowing, drought, flood, all sorts of 'natural' disasters. However, today's QT reminded me that it is so easy to complain about the injustices, the discomforts we have that are caused by others, but it is encouraging to know that God is still working behind the scenes, the big picture that we fail to see or even fathom. I am not saying that we should gladly accept these discomforts or become unfeeling towards them but rather we should take comfort in the knowledge that God is still working amongst us that He knows what He is doing!

Current status: still waiting for the phone. It is rather evident that Singtel is highly inefficient and not customer friendly.

What is love? That is the question that I have been asking myself for some time now. Is love a feeling that results in kind actions or is love a representation of sacrificial acts of service done for people that you know? I quote "Love is a basic dimension of human experience that is variously conveyed as a sense of tender affection, an intense attraction, the foundation of intimacy and good interpersonal chemistry, willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another, and as an ineffable sense of affinity or connection to nature, other living beings, or even that which is unseen." (Wikipedia)

My understanding of the above quote would be that I simply don't understand it. Perhaps I'm so used to the lifestyle that I'm living that I no longer know what love is. From a more spiritual perspective, Christians say that God is love. The bible says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV) After staring at the passage for several moments, I still cannot comprehend what love is. *sigh* The only slight revelation that I got gathered from the bible and past experiences is that agape love is the concern for the people around you and the acceptance of people no matter who and how they are like.

So my problem is, since the topic of love is so broad, then what is the difference between eros and agape? If eros is romantic love, the feeling (in my understanding) that results in concern and other actions for that special someone, under the assumption that it is not self love, how then do you differentiate between eros and agape? Since it results in similar actions in both cases. Then again, looking from another angle, if agape is the greatest love of all, since it means the acceptance and the willingness to help all even those you do not know well, then why settle for a so-called lesser love, eros?

For the matter, is love a choice or is it something more? Something unexplainable?


Current status: Waiting for the arrival of my new phone (it ran out of stock)
Current music tuned to: Mercy Me, Undone

Having not written a post for more than half a year, I have revived my blog!, due to numerous promptings from some people I know...

It is amazing how things have changed in a short span of half a year, when I decided to enter into my blog again, I realised that my shoutbox has long been inactive as a version 2 came out. -_-!!! In addition, many of my friends have had changed the addresses of their blogs. I guess among the many changes that had happened, the WORST is that the standard of my english has gone down the drain, not that it was good in the first place, but now its worse. What has uni done to me man...

In summary, the past few months has been a blur after entering into the university. Somehow upon entering the institute in a new phase of my education life, the feeling of being manupilated grows stronger with each passing day. The image of a less hectic study life in the university as promised by numerous teachers seem to fade at each passing day. It really felt like having the 'A' levels all over again, just that its once every 4 months instead of every 1.5 years. How less hectic can that be!

Anyway, I have in some sense completed the first semester of the university life, with 7 more semesters to go. With the knowledge that my discipline to go to lectures and tutorials as well as the discipline to study has gone totally down the drain, my only consolation is that in these wee few months, I have been relying on Him with each passing day.

In these short December holiday, I do hope that I can somewhat pull up my english standard as well as relax sufficiently before semester 2... To all out there, do have a merry christmas! =)

O Lord, shelter me in the comfort of Your wings,
For I am hurt and weary,
Isolation and despair threatens to overwhelm me,
The little light of hope in me is dying.

Bring me, oh Lord, back to You,
Take this burden away from me,
Let me sleep in Your presence for eternity,
And help my wounds heal.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

-Evanescence, My Immortal-

If songs could replace words, this song would adequately decribe my feelings for now. Not the entire song obviously but the first 2 stanzas and the last.

I wish to shine my light to guide those who have eyes but cannot see, but the darkness overwhelms that little light of mine. I pray that I would not become part of the dark I fear. Bless and protect me I pray my Lord...

To some, being jobless is like the end of the world, but I see it as a form of freedom, a release from being manipulated, ordered around and the never ending politics. It is rather sad that we have been conditioned to think that our worth is dependent on whether we have a job and what type of job we have, we have been brought up with the mentality that we have to excel in our studies and get to the university so that we would not be looked down upon by people. But surely there should be more to this, are we only meant to make ourselves slaves to the money, fame and perhaps power that we gained in return for our precious time? Many complain that the family ties in developing countries are deteriorating, children are getting more and more out of hand, why? I really wonder.

Oh how many have fallen into the hands of those who are craftier. Since the start of capitalism, the idea of privatization and the freedom to keep profits earned has caused many to fall under the enticement of working more to earn more, to escape from the cycle of poverty that many are subjected to at that point of time. So why is it that not many succeed? Besides the factors of determination and luck, the fact that there are more vicious money minded people has resulted in the dampening of hopes of many. Let me elaborate, the people would initially work harder, but as mosty live in rented lands, their rent to their landlords also increases. The situation is even worse in factories that sprouted during industrialization, the wages that they recieve is nothing compared to the profits their bosses earn and together with corruption, it is practically impossible to get out of this poverty cycle even till today, though I'm not denying the fact that it is sometimes possible.

So why do we slog our guts out to work? I am not undermining the need for the money to provide the basic necessities of everyday life, but is getting a reputable job and earning big bucks the ultimate goal of working? At the expense of moral degradation and the weakening of family ties? Is that what we ultimately live for? I wonder...

PS. The need to write good english has overwhelmed me. I may be speaking rubbish. XP

As I looked upon the looking glass and gaze at the reflection of me, I saw not what once upon a time I saw. The innocent and carefree life which I took for granted had slowly fade into the backdrop of the image. Along with it the joys and laughter of the innocent child-like mind. Imperfections surfaced and marred what I percieved to be ideal. Tainted and distorted, that is what I had become. Blended perfectly into this world of sin and shame. I sang the songs of war and destruction, taunted at the sick and poor and scorned at the righteous and upright.

Ashamed, I wept at the images before me as grotesque and lowly was what I had become. I turned away from the mirror in shame and saw Him hung there ableeding. I knew that it was my sins that held Him there for my hands were stained with His blood. His life blood was the price He paid for what I had done. This was beyond comprehension but somehow I knew that I had been freed, the guilt and shame that wore me down no longer existed.

Looking back from the day I had first seen Him, I knew I had been changed. Though I still see the scars that bore my rebellion against the world (which seemed more of my alliance to it), the imperfections that I saw had been taken away. I was lost but now am found, blind but now could truely see.

A question of principle and morals. Such simple decisions yet I struggle to make them, not willing myself to face the consequences of my actions. Twice. It happened twice within the short span of 2 days. Let me elaborate. Sticking to my principles, I strongly believe that it is simply rude and impolite to wake a sleeping friend on the bus when you leave and the person is not supposed to because it is not his or her stop. Cause if someone does tt to me... ( you don't really want to find out ), but that seldom happens because its rather impossible to totally conk out on the bus. Apparently, I'm told by the same friend that it is absolutely impolite.

I was torn by decisions again today during lunch. I had to chance to catch up with a good friend before she leaves for China, but that meant that I had to leave my 2 other friends behind to meet her for lunch. It was a hard decision to make as I never liked the idea of leaving people behind. Its simply irresponsible and an immature thing to do, although I have perfect confidence about their ability to take care of themselves. Its just its against my personal principles about treatment of friends.

This 2 incidents really lead me to wonder if this simple dilemmas symbolise a need of modification of principles on my part or does it symbolise a start of another phase of my life where decisions have to be carefully made. I once read from the book 'I kissed dating goodbye' where the author mentioned this point about major pitfalls did not result from a single wrong decision made. He mentioned that commiting adultery was not the only wrong decision he made. The fact that he was not with his army during the war, which resulted in him being idle, which resulted in him wandering around the palace, which resulted in him seeing Bathsheba bathing... and you know the rest.

Admittedly, that is from his perspective, and parts of it leaves to be questioned, but it does raise a point about the fact that sometimes a wrong decisions made does result in a series of other wrong decisions which makes the situation worser and worser. Its just like telling a lie in which you have to make more lies to cover up that first lie. To put it simply, it has a snowball effect which is really frightening as sometimes one may not know the full extent of the effects of the decision until it is too late.

I guess its the start of more reflections for me...

He healed my wounds but left the scars
As I looked upon them
I re-lived the hurt that was buried deep inside me
I saw it at that moment
Feeling the stabs in my heart once again
The anguish, the fear, the pain
Will it ever go away?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I guess I will never know...

It has been ages since I updated my blog. Had been working since December, hence I haven't been consistent in updating my blog. Anyway, I was working as a call agent for a month. Then I worked as a promoter promoting strawberries before working as a administrative assistant doing data entry. It is amusing that I should have been out of job since last Wednesday. Apparently they had alot of paperwork and data to enter into their system, so I'm still working.

Working has only been my source of "entertainment" since I'm no longer am attending any school till further notice. In addition, it has provided me with some interesting relevations of the corporate force in modern day society. One thing that simply amuses me to no end is the need to rush from one place to another. Think Warcraft where you leave only one space for the troups to pass. Every morning I'll will see this happening, the people would squeeze up the bus to the rather isolated place I'm working at. The interesting thing is somehow all social etiquettes have vanished. The people would just squeeze up regardless whether you are a lady or not, there is no qualms even to end up on the bus at the expense of pushing away a pregnant lady. To be fair, it can be excused with one eye shut that it was necessary to get to the work place on time. (Which is a lousy excuse since the earlier buses are often empty) BUT... the thing is that even after work the people are like that when they are trying to get off the bus. It is understandable that it is a desire to get on and off the bus to return to the comfort of a home after a day's work, but the thing is that the bus hasn't even reach the bus stop and the people are already leaving their seats. The thing that absolutely puzzles me is the fact that how is it possible for them to leave the bus when there is still a distance from the bus stop and when there is only limited space near the door? My point being why is there a rush to leave the bus when it is impossible to do so? It is simply illogical and it makes no sense to me.

Another interesting thing I found out was that the ladies working in that area like to shop on Fridays. The thing is that they do not shop after work but more of during the lunch break where the shuttle bus takes us to I would say "civilisation". (meaning a place that is more crowded and with more facilities, as compared to the cold and rather isolated place where I work) It may be that I haven't really been in the work force for long, but is it just me or is time so short for them that they have to go shopping for clothes during the short lunch break?

Celebrated Chinese New Year not long ago, had the chance to go visiting at my teacher's house and had a rare view of my classmates who entered into the army. I'm saying this as it was entertaining for me to see them looking like how my brother looked like when he was younger. I'm sorry to say this but they do look identical, especially from the back. I was told that the boys that enter into the army would eventually become men when they finish that national service, I guess i would have the honour of seeing whether that is true.

Anyway, I got this from the web (courtesy of Si Jia) for the definition of my name:

Name: Estrella
Meaning: Venus, morning star, myrtle.
Biblical context: Origin - Persian.
Esther was the wife of Ahasuerus, the king of Persia. She persuaded her husband against persecuting the Jews. Her life story is described in the book of Esther.

Got baptised today. My Christian name is Estrella. ^^ Its late... so this shall be my short entry.

Today is finally the last lesson of my baptism class. *laughs* Hallelujah! I don't mean to be rude and all but the sessions that my pastor has set up since his term is rather ridiculous. 6 sessions. 6 whole afternoons spent on learning about the church that I have been attending for the past 3 years. Hiaz. Church structure, history etc... Until now it still puzzles my or the valua and necessity of these lessons. But I survived through the deary Sundays amidst my A levels and I have come to the final hurdle.My baptism! Its this Saturday on the 10th. People who have the patience to read these, you must come k? Those who know be are warmly invited. Come at 3.30pm for reception, venue is the church just beside Commonwealth MRT station. Hope to see you there and tell me beforehand if you are going.:) PS. I have gotten a Christian name, will be officially telling all that day.

Many things seem to be happening in my life now. Prom, baptism and I have gotten myself a job! The best thing is that I will be working alongside with my 2 good friends and also neighbours. So I wouldn't fall short of company! Would be working in science park for a company called Little Green Apples, doing basic job of calling up the customer to update his or her info. My only concern is that I will chance upon a person having a temper. Gosh. Pain to my ears. x_x

Anyway... shall keep the entry short cause I need my sleep. Going to my friends house at 11 to prepare for prom. I have no idea how I will turn out. Stressed...

Im super pissed off by the previous pink layout. For no apparent reason the layout just cannot load anymore. (-_-) But I suppose its a timely change as Im beginning to think that its realli too pink though the angel was really sweet. In addition, someone told me that it looked like a porn site and that I had to just add a picture of myself to become the second Xiaxue. No thanks. I have read her postings and find it degrading to us females. In addition, her act cute not cute pictures of herself is really a total turn off. My personal opinions, so fans of Xiaxue please dont go club me or something.

Anyway... this new layout is no longer pink. Spent ages finding and choosing one suitable one. Though this is not my ideal layout as I cant lay out everything properly, this would do for time being. Love the theme and changed it to a song from Spirited Away. Perhaps Im not exactly a computer whiz but I tried my best to modify it to suit my likings (original one looked like that: http://www.blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=59011&action=Preview) There was like really no space to put anything. *shrugs* so I think its better now.

Its finally over. I have been saying it over and over again in my mind, but somehow it doesnt register. Its like where's the exhilaration? The adrenaline? The high feeling of finally overcoming these stupid barrier that around 20% percent of each year's cohort of poor young Singaporean youths have to overcome? Come to think of it. It's really ridiculous. To all those who think that its finally over. IT'S NOT. Face it. If you go to the university, you still have semesters. If you do to the poly, you have the terms. Go work, you have to face the boss. Lol. I'm not psychotic, I do enjoy the final break bond with my A level notes, but I just don't feel that overwhelming sense of joy?

Come to think of it. I think its pre-prom stress. I have finally found my hair stylist but still have yet to find a make-up artist. Finally settled my assessories and my shoes after shopping and haunting town for the past week. Perhaps my real gender comes into question, I still am not able to fathom why girls generally are able to shop non-stop and still be able to go on. I nearly died of muscle cramps after loitering around town for the past week. And its not that my health is suffering or something as I can run faster than most (I should hope). Anyway, I certainly am regretting my decision of going in the first place. Come to think of it, paying bucks (big bucks) to take pictures is really not worth it.

On a lighter note, I have really been pigging out these few days. Not as in stuffing myself with food, but more of getting adequate and well deserved rest that I have been lacking for the past 2 years. I also had the privilege to catch up woth my gal friends whom I have been negelcting for a rather long time. I really thank God they did not reject my friendship after all that. :X I really had a nice time bonding with them for the past few days. Particularly enjoyed yesterday where I finally managed to obtain mi first pair of earrings. It's really gorgeous. Take it from someone who seldom says that. Lol. Would be wearing that for prom, so i guess its something to look forward to.

Anyway, I'm still recovering from food poisoning on monday. The food stall I ate at in Dover (beware those who venture there) apparently didn't wash their vegetables properly. Thus, I had a memorable evening vomiting out every single bit of food and acidic juice in my stomache till I cleared my digestive system. -_- Had gastric pain and no appetite for the past 2 days, but I learnt something: Don't eat veggies out. Oh well.

Lesson learnt today:

Love is an intellectual action, is not a feeling.

Do you agree? Issit the feeling that results in the action or issit the other way round? Interesting huh? I never thought of it that way. Looking at the present situation, I think the feeling comes first, then the action. So mabbe thats why when the feeling goes, the action goes, and when the action goes, the break up comes. Issit true? I really dunno. Never tried, dont think I will.

But I do admit that there are times when some think that both comes together. Thats when things get physical I guess.

I dont have much to say about this. Never had, but guess the phrase is though provoking. so...

Coming back to something closer to the heart, the As are coming and I think I'm having mental block. Guess some divine intervention now would realli help. :P

How true is it that time flies. The week passed like a blur. I havent been doing much except slacking. This is really ironic as I should be working real hard as the last lap of the race approaches: the end of As. But somehow i haven been able to convince myseof to do so. Hiaz. Irony of ironies. Anyway... much of this week have been spent of celebrating the nation's birth, a celebration amidst the fear.

Behind this festive atmosphere hides the aura of the Seventh month. Although I believe most of the general population is educated enough to be able to differentiate truth from myth, there is still this fear of the unknown that intrigues people. That sort of explains why directors are still able to make big bucks making horror movies such as The Maid, Land of the Dead, etc... As a person who RARELY watches these genre of movies, I cant seem to understand why some people like to scare themselves by watching these films and suffer the aftereffects of these movies. I mean whats the point of going to watch them , some at midnight, and then suffer the next few days living a life of fear where you are afraid to listen to e handphone (especially if you dont have the ID function) or watching TV? Perhaps fans of scary movies would kindly enlighten me.

Of course there is another group of these movie goers that go for the sack of bonding. As in going with their counterparts and huddle at the scary parts (an old trick from the book). This is still very true presently although the trick is stale. I went for the comedy Wedding Crashers on Monday and ended up sitting beside this couple *sheesh* Anyway, before the movie started, they were promoting The Maid, So these girl sitting beside me was commenting how it wasnt very bright of the management to screen that show in the Seventh month, I totally agreed with her. However, the next thing she said to her boyfriend was: How about going to watch it? i was totally astounded, bemused is too far a word to descibe that feeling I got. It was like what the... Well, guess the management isnt as stupid as they seem huh...

The last group of this genre of movie goers that I can think of presently would be those who are in need to fill the spiritual aspect of their lives. In this highly pragmatic and realistic society such as Singapore, it is no wonder that we would want to escape from reality once in a while and immerse ourselves in the depths of the imaginative world, I am not saying that supernatural is non existent, but it is true that many have not come face to face with that and so we are highly dependent on our imaginations to picture how they are like. Hence I guess one of these ways would be to entertain ourselves with the available movies that are screened. Although I still feel that thinking about fairies and unicorns are far more interesting then seeing zombies and ghouls, guess this is one instant where the darker side of men is revealed.

Sadly, I had a really unproductive day today. No work done, just practically daydreamed the day away. It must be one of the days when one loses the interest to study, burnt out? I really hope not.

Anyway, went for the annual Festival of Praise held once a year. This is apparently my 1st time, so i really didnt know what to expect. But it was indeed surprising to note the amount of people that were present in at the indoor stadium. I was told that some even started queueing at 2?!?!? This is indeed unexpected for me as this wasnt the usual idol concerts that most youngsters at this age attend. What striked me was that did they come for the high feeling that people usually get at concerts or was it because of the fact that it was 'free'? That the kiasu mentality of us Singaporeans is urging us again, or is it another simple way to get to know the Lord better?

However, it seemed to me that some did indeed went for the concert just to get that adrenaline to flow. This is as it was evident that during the time out where the pastor came out to give a sermon that many seats that were initially filled became empty, or should i say that the people that were in those seats mysteriously disappeared. In any case, I did feel a plang of disappointment as I questioned myself on the real meaning behind these concerts. Are we Christians so empty inside that we need that constant 'oomph' in our walk to keep us going? Then what is the rationale of having a God and loving him in the first place? Are we who we are for the love of the God we worship or for the love of that high feeling or the sense of superiority that religions give us? Take scientology for instance. Do those people who claim that as their religion really know that there are aliens out there? Or is it that sense of superiority of 'I know something that you dont' that fuels them? I really wonder.

Lol. After months of not blogging (since February), I have finally picked it up again. I still havent ben able to figure out why the sudden urge to blog again, perhaps it is the need to relieve the stress of studying in this highly competitive education system ( of which 90% of the things that Im learning will never be put to use in the coporate world) or may be its a part and parcel of blogging: you pick it up once in a while, like the North Korea nuclear talks. But in any case, it seems that Im back! With a new layout that is. However, this would most probably be an on and off thing for me. Till the end of As that is.

For all those who know me, I'm sure that by now that you have known that I have a twin brother and a twin sister in school. Although I'm still confused on how my family has so suddenly expanded. It has led me to ponder about the issue of baby twins and cloning.

Twins are actually used to describe children that are born at the same time by the same mother. However, in the context of my situation, it just means that there is some similarities between me and my twin, may it be physical likeness or just some other aspect of our characters. Thus, I'm still veri confused and highly amused on how we ended up as twins. Can someone please enlighten me. :P

Going to the biological aspect of the the formation of twins, twins are actually formed when two sperms enter into the egg at the same time, instead of one. As a mathematics student, probability of this thing happening is really low (please ask a bio student for further details), unless the mother is also a twin herself. Thus it really amuses me how the Guiness record breaking mother can give birth to septuplets (7 babies) at one go.

For many, it would seem that being twins are fun. Whilst walking in the streets, I have observed that parents like to dress their children of similar age or twins in similar clothing. Although I do not comprehend the rationale behind this, it would seem that the wearing of similar clothing would better identity a pair of siblings and perhaps improve the bond amongst siblings. I guess having a twin results in having constant companionship and also a confidante, but being me, I think that one of me is enough!

Another issue that comes to mind will be cloning, there has been much talk about the legalising and the continuation of this idea of cloning. There has been quite a few successful experiments in recent years of the cloning of sheep and a recent one on a woman spending thousands, i think, to clone her dead cat.

Many who are for cloning would argue that this could actually help to prevent the extinction of animals and solve the endangered species problem. But I would lik to point out that the endangering and extinction of these animals is mainly due to a change in the environment due to human activities such as industralisation and agriculture where their homelands are destroyed. Other factors would be the illegal poaching of these animals. But the point is what is the point of cloning these animals if their habitat is no longer available? And wouldnt the increase in animals contribute to more problems such as the lack of food in some countries?

In my opinion, cloning is basically a tool, some may argue that talented people can be cloned so that the pool of talents will not be depleted. But if that happens, then many would be unemployed as they are not as talented. In addition, who will do the menial tasks once there are no more 'normal' people left? Another problem that may arise would be that addition of undesirable people in the world. As long as you have the means, you are able to clone yourselve if cloning is ever legalised (evident from the cloning of a cat recently), as a result, undesirable people may use this as a tool for harmful purposes.

Thus, I think this issue really requires serious thinking as cloning is really a tool that can be used to create and destroy. In addition, there are always black sheeps in every society and organisation, cloning would lose its original purpose of pro-creating if it falls into the wrong hands.

There has been much talk about the recent Tsunami disaster. People are looking at this incident from all perspectives. Some looked on the religious side questioning the existence of a God whilst some who are more humanitarian will focus on the needs of the Tsunami victims. However, amidst the differing worries, concerns and motives, the main concern of most was how the countries affected were going to recover in the shortest possible time in terms of the rebuilding of infrastructure and the recovery of the economy.

The Tsunami has destroyed many homes and waterlogged many areas around the coasts of the Tsunami affected countries. As such, many are left homeless and open to water-borne diseases. Although relief efforts have cleared much land in the areas so rebuilding can start, there is still a need for the country to obtain the materials and recruit survivors to rebuild homes. Therefore, it is estimated that the rebuilding of structures such as the coast hotels will only be completed in 10 years time, solving both the living and economy problem.

Amidst the differing problems, my main concern would be the children that were affected in the Tsunami. It is really hard wrenching to see the bodies of the dead children in the newspapers, innocent lives screwn all over the streets of these affected areas. How much more pain are the parents actually feeling? The anticipation and hope of this mere chance of seeing the child alive and well, crushed, shattered by the cruel hard reality. But looking on the other side, it is equally heart warming to read about stories where families are finally united. The picture of a father hugging his child in the news was truly touching

However, one has to face the cruel hard reality that many lives were lost in this disaster, many of which are actually parents of this unfortunate disaster. In my opinion, witnessing this disaster is highly traumatizing, i think this is especially so for the orphans who have lost their parents. The impact of losing their parents, their homes and seeing death in the city is something that not many can handle. Although some of the younger ones might not fully understand what exactly is happening but as years pass by, the past will come back to haunt them.

I think it is clearly evident that many of these children have been psychologically affected in such a way that it will impair their ability to intergrate well into society in later years. This is as many will most likely have a negative view of life after the incident. In addition the lost of parental guidance might also arise in societal problems in the future. Although measure were taken to avoid such scenarios, the million dollar question is how are they able to ensure that all those affected will recieve counselling? How would they know whether the child has gotten over the trauma?

Perhaps this is an issue that will haunt these countries in the near future, but at present i guess the more pressing issue is the the country to rebuild what was lost in the disaster. Hopefully the rest of the problems would fall into place.

Knowledge brings about power yet also a burden that many are not able to handle. I know much of what is going on inside the heads of the people i know so please do not try to decieve me. This is especially arrowed at a person that i know. It is with great displeasure that I add this entry as this is very objective. However, I feel the need to take this off my mind before it shows.

Friendship has always been treasured as an important aspect in my life. No matter where you go, friends will always be a source of support and encouragement, especially if you are along in foreign land. However, the phrase 'someone who could have been one of your best friends may end up becoming your worst enemies' holds true. There are just some certain individuals in this world that has to go and tarnish the pure and innocent word 'friendship'

It is truly disappointing to know that the bond is strained and the friendship is no longer possible due to this betrayal of trust. And it is especially SICKENING to know that this is due to the fact that the reason for betrayal is to tell secrets to the person's significant other. I dont give a damn who the person may like, but i do MIND the fact that little secrets (meaning not to be told to a third party) is leaked out.

And by the way, it is hilarious to me that the person is actually so DAMN obvious! It really tickles my funny bones. *rolls eyes* I will not mention what the person did as it would be very clear who the culprit is, but please if the person is reading this, dont do it again. It would really be embarrassing for both parties wouldnt it?

So much for trust, warning to all, zhi ren zhi mian bu zhi xin, jiao pen jiao you yao xiao xin.

I have finally given up on trying to add the images into this damn thing. So im finally settling down to writing stuff here.

Met my friends today for bible study and had dinner after that. As we conversed, we entered into the topic of the recent Tsunami disaster, sharing some life testimonials of those who survived the disaster. The exchange of these miraculous stories has raised questions on the topic of faith. Does God really exist? Has He purposely planned the Tsunami as a means to free the oppressed people in Aceh?

Faith is something that has been discussed over the centuries, people in the past are seemingly more subceptable in believing in the supernatural and the unexplainable. Perhaps this is due to the fact that many strange happenings are unexplainable with the technology at that time. However, the technology at present is considerable advanced, although science has not been able to teleport people but it has sent some to the moon, solving the mystery of the moon people (due to the crests and troughs on the surface of the moon). It seems that this has resulted in the decrease in the number of people who rely solely on their faith.

'Seeing is believing' is an irony that now exist in the minds of people. My question to this phrase is if seeing is believing then is air real? Does it exist? But no one can see air right? The same applies to faith. Unless u don't believe that air exists, then I see no reason why people just do not believe in faith. Im not trying to promote religion, faith exists even in friendship, its in the form of trust. May be this explains why some people are so hyprocritical.

This brings to mind the aspect of education, it seems that the more educated the person is, the less faith that he most likely possesses. With the vast knowledge that education brings, people are relying on logic and evidence, like how can there be a God when u can see Him? How do u know that He is really there? Another thing about education is that with knowledge comes power, some obnoxious people believe that they are more superior than others because of the knowledge they hold and that they could wield it to control others unlike the heavenly beings who seemingly cant even keep their followers from persecutions in various parts of the world. I have just one thing to say... if they are so powerful, why do they die? Death equates all. period.

Linking from the previous paragraph. So is education beneficial to the people? Will this led to the dwindling of religions? Will they die out? I personally think that education is actually beneficial if its accompanied by the educating of good moral values. With education, people develope the ability to discern facts from myths, such as we now know that we are not sent by cranes to our parents when we are babies. So I guess education is basically a tool where its true value lies in the hands of the people.

Back on the topic of faith, there seems to be a trend that whenever a disaster or something major happens, people revert back to their faith or accept a faith. Take the example of the economic downturn in Singapore in the year 2000 something, the newspapers reported that there was an increase in the number of people going to mosques and churches. So does it mean that there should be more disasters to encourage people to stay religious? What happened to all the talk of logic and evidence? One word, rubbish.

Perhaps its time for people in take a break away from this fast and furious society and take time to think, especially after the Tsunami incident. Are the stories of last minute changes to the affected countries due to some divine premonition really true? Are there really heavenly beings up there to protect these people? Was the Tsunami actually a divine intervention to resolve problems in Aceh and Sri Lanka?

juz checking this baby out...

koi
18
gemini
16th June

*benjamin*
*daena*
*eric*
*eugene*
*grace*
*gofish*
*jimei*
*jingchong*
*junjie*
*kelvin*
*kelvin*
*liling*
*megan*
*qianzi*
*shuhui*
*weichen*
*yipeng*
*zaijing*

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